First Snow Fall

Yesterday Pennsylvania received its first real snow fall. 

About 4 inches rest on the ground now.

Blank Slates & Beauty

A psychologist of long ago once said that we are all born with a "blank slate." That is, we are completely untouched, uneffected, unmolded, and unmade until we are exposed to culture. It would be the absolute height of nurture ruling over nature. I am not sure if I believe this, per say.. Because there are other factors that have to be considered (such as genetics, which is the biggest one.)

However, I was thinking of the "blank slate" concept in terms of beauty; What if my view of beauty was completely "blank" until society told me what it was?

At four years old, I remember dancing around in this over-sized red dress, with huge pearls around my kneck and a gold clip on earrings. I had a rose in my mouth and I was dancing around to the opera Carmon. I specifically remember looking in the mirror and thinking that I looked lovely.  Was I still a "blank slate" at that point?

Now, at almost nineteen years old I look in the mirror this morning and I am filled with frustration. I cannot get my hair to lay right, I am all out of bronzer, I can't seem to find something to wear that looks decent (despite the selfish fact that I have a closet overflowing with clothes.) I don't know about that day when I was Carmon, but I am certainly no longer a blank slate.

Society has spoken into me what is beautiful. Society has shown me, not only in images-but in movies, books, magazines, ideas, ideals, and other people- "This. Is. It." No room for compromise, and God forbid, no room for individuality. 

In an over-sexualized, over-glamourized world, how do I get back to a blank slate? How do I come to a point where my eyes are completely open and cleared of what culture says is beautiful, so that I can re-create the word "beauty" and thus, finally be at peace in the body that I am in?

There is a person inside of me that aches to know I am beautiful. She is dying to be validated, encouraged, and renewed. Sadly, culture isn't the one that can do that for Her. 

First Semester Of College

Yesterday at 4:16pm I officially ended my first semester of college. It went so fast!

I am attending Lebanon Valley College, which is a small private school in the city of Annville. I was accepted in Elizabethtown, HACC, Lancaster Bible.. but LVC was always my first choice, and when I received my acceptance letter I knew it was where I wanted to be. And now, the first semester is over.

Starting in August, not knowing a soul was very difficult. My two best friends just left for different states, and I felt lonely. I had a ever present hole in my heart. In some ways, that hole is still not filled and never will be-because you cannot replace relationships. However, at the college I have found niches for myself and people I would consider my friends.

The F Word club has been one of my greatest joys. It is a club that discusses and works with the concepts of feminism. Its good to be around people whose goal is not to hate men, but to work for equality for all people. I also got to be editor of the F Word newsletter, which was a wonderful opportunity.. To be able to combine my writing with an issue I feel so strongly about is great.

My classes this semester were good. (Except for Statistics which I dropped two months into) My favorite however, was my Sex And The City class. It was an English FYS class which discussed mostly women's issues-things like beauty, relationships, and marriage. I absolutely loved it and I am sad its over. I also was blessed with forming a connection with the teacher, Dr. Walker. I believe our relationship will easily continue outside of the classroom. She is a amazing person.

I enjoyed my job on campus-which was giving swim lessons to children over at the pool. Anyone who knows Coach Mary, knows this: She is one of the kindest people you'll ever meet.

I won't be back at LVC till January 14. Until then, I am ready to enjoy break. In only 24 hours I have snuck back into my late schedule. It's 2:23am as I write this.

My first semester is over, and I can't believe it. To sum it all up-I am very grateful. It was a challenging, wonderful, good, interesting, hard, rewarding 4 and a half months!

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Winter

Old Wooden Reindeer

I remember the old wooden reindeer we would put in our front yard around this time of year. It would be a brisk, winter Saturday and Travis and I would wake up knowing today was the day we would decorate the house. I'd punch "2423" into the shed lock and we would drag the wooden reindeer up to the front yard, arrange them, and watch them come to life in our imaginations.

Years later. I went outside my house tonight and saw the wooden reindeer laying in the backyard, on the ground, in a pile of leaves. I looked at the old, worn wood-their simple faces-their broken parts, and I grew sad. It was more than the reindeer, though. It was what these delicate decorations represented. 

Family happiness, that now rests and struggles to even live for a moment is in a pile of winter leaves. In the back yard, forgotten. Muddy, and covered in flaws and sins. Worn, and tired. So very tired.

What can mend broken hearts? What can replace a families love? My greatest fear is that nothing can, and until the reindeer come to life again I will always feel this broken and this lost.

Praise The Lord

Praise the Lord when you wake up.

Praise the Lord when you lie down.

Praise the Lord at school.

Praise the Lord at home.

Praise the Lord to your neighbors.

Praise the Lord to your teachers.

Praise the Lord to your friends.

Praise the Lord in the seasons of warmth.

Praise the Lord in the seasons of chill.

Praise the Lord in contentment. 

Praise the Lord in pain.

Praise the Lord in compliments and fame.

Praise the Lord when you're alone.

Praise the Lord when you're surrounded.

Praise the Lord for what He has done.

Praise the Lord for what He is still doing.

Today and tomorrow and in all ways,

Praise The Lord.

This does not speak much for my writing, but it is a personal reminder for myself.

Missing A Friend

Winter air freezes (heart.)

Thoughts of you (remind.)

Seeing your house (hurts.)

Loss haunts me (persistantly.)

Tonight I walk (alone.)

Do you miss (me?)

Are you lost (preoccupied?)

Am I just (forgotten?)

Will it all (unfold?)

Will we be (okay?)

Childhood days are (far.)

But you, are (farther.)

Oh, airplanes fly, (away.)

Time passes me (by.)

How it pains.

(thinking);

I seem to (miss..)

You much more (than;)

You might miss (me.)

Oh mighty wind (and,)

Cold fading fast (evening.)

It will ice (by)

The dawn of (morning.)

But not as (fast)

As my melancholy (heart.)