Friends Getting Married

Today I went to the very first wedding of my high school friends. It was the first one, but not the last. In the next year and a half about five of my friends that graduated either with me, or only shortly before, will give their hand in marriage. In fact, lately it has seemed like a frenzy to see who can get the ring, set the date and run down the aisle fast enough.


In the thirteen months since graduation I have attended college full time, picked up three different majors, met some new people, committed to many different activities and certainly changed a lot of my perspectives. This would seem like the normal, healthy and average place that a 19/20 year old out of high school should be in. However, while I was busy studying for Psychology exams or writing 2am essays, my friends were off finding people to marry. I collected 10 pounds (which nestled nicely on my hips) and my friends found diamond rings, mortgages and bridal gowns. In just a one years time, I got left behind with life's changing tides.


I shouldn't let it bother me. Even when I was little my "To Do" list began with traveling the world or writing a book, but never with those two diamond glistening words: Get married. I never dressed up as a bride, and even today the white flowing gown wouldn't be my first choice. However, I begin to question what I always thought would bring happiness when I see others so safely and confidently say what happiness is. My friends are content, joyfully radiant in what they call "true love." If it works for them, why wouldn't it work for me? Why don't I join the bandwagon? 


After a few of these self defeating questions I have to remember that even though I grew up with these friends, they are not the measuring stick for what I should do with the rest of my life. What works for one person may not work for one another. One person's dreams is not another person's dreams.

I may get married someday. I would be happy with finding somewhat special whom I can call my own. I can envision sitting on porch swings, singing love songs and having someone to talk to every morning. What I can also envision is buying a house, and enjoying the single life of doing things when and how I please. I can imagine raising adoptive children, and being perfectly content enjoying my job, my children, family and social life. Whether I walk down the aisle or not, I will be fine. Either possibility. Fine. 


Simply, my fear is not that I won't get married. My fear is that if I don't, I will always live in my friends' shadows, achieving some things but never reaching happiness' full potential. My fear is not that I will be looked down upon. My fear is that I will pitied. Hypothetically, I do wonder. If I never say "I Do", will my friends be just as happy for me when I get my doctorate? Or adopt my child? Or get writing published? Or buy a house? Will these things be the applaud-deserving achievements they are, or will they always be in held in the light of what is missing? (in this case being, a husband.)


My only request is that if I can attend wedding after wedding, put on a smile and shriek at the ring, that they can support me in my future successes and joys. You ask if I have hope that my friends will be this supportive, progressive and open-minded? With a tad bit of doubt, this independent woman says, “I do.” (No punt intended.)

Chiming Thoughts

summer's air is slowly sneaking in

along with yesterday's sin.

it's a whole different season,

and we have all the same reasons.

we put on the same faces,

to return to the same dull places.

looking far out, looking wide-

i think, has hope died?

i hear the ringing chimes,

like clanging quarters and dimes.

how much i want something new,

yet it's the same song and rhyme.

Alana & Malachi

I have known Alana and Malachi since the moment they were born, and have spent large amounts of time with them. They moved to Hawaii on Sunday, and I will sincerely miss them. These shots are from my last night with them-it was a lovely spring evening and we played on the swing set and had a competitive game of tag. 

You Hold My Hand

In the very darkest lows,
Where no one dares to tread or go,
Immersed in depression and laden with grief,
Through every tear that found no relief-
You hold my hand.

Full of joy and light with glee,
A heart that’s open, a spirit that’s free.
Life lived with a purest smile,
Through the times that make it all worthwhile-
You hold my hand.

Friends that left, family that passed,
Goodbyes said, cars speeding away fast.
In every change that brought remorse
Through life’s sad changing course-
You hold my hand.

Many have faulted, many have let down,
Many have left me dismayed with frowns.
In every rejection and every lie,
Through every hope of love that died-
You hold my hand.

Where may one find acceptance so pure?
Where may one find a shelter so secure?
I search and I ponder,
And through realizing there is a love no fonder-
You hold my hand.

Through time, through all mankind,
The mother’s love never tires or declines.
I know very little but this much is true,
That no matter where I wander or what I do-
You hold my hand. 

Thea's New Home

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day which definitely rings some chimes of thankfulness in my heart. God's goodness and life's goodness has most evidently been shown to me through the women in my life. 

I have seen these women be delicate, strong, proud, beautiful, intelligent and achieving and it is because of them that I have pride and hope in my own womanhood. 

I thank God for these women, who are a rich fountain of endless blessings, wisdom, and nurture to me. With all things, I am truly blessed. 

"We all wanted the real mother, the blood mother, the great womb, mother of fierce compassion, a woman large enough to hold all the pain, to carry it away. What we needed was someone who bled, someone deep and rich as a field, a wide-hipped mother, awesome, immense, women like huge soft couches, mothers coursing with blood, mothers big enough, wide enough, for us to hide in, to sink down to the bottom of, mothers who would breathe for us when we could not breathe anymore, who would fight for us and maybe even die for us."-White Oleander

Shots from Travis' prom