St. Patrick's Cathedral

As I looked at books, rules, and organized prayers I thought to myself, "Why can't it be this simple? Why can't it be this easy? Why can't there bea list of do's and dont's that lead me to spiritual success?" In my very gray mind I found myself searching for black and white. As a wanderer, I found myself aching for boundaries. I wanted religion in abox. I wanted God in a box. It made it comfortable, secure, safe, andclean. It made it everything I feel like it isn't.

For about half an hour we talked to a woman named Mary Francis. She was from Long Island, had six children and a strong accent. She was humble and sweet, and a very beautiful person. She seemed so stable, socommitted. She made me want to be Catholic. I feel like I have been living Romans 6-8 lately. That is, the "doing what I don't want to do"mixed with God's redeeming love. If only I could be like Mary Francis. I could say the right prayer, and light a few candles and I would be rid of my human faults, my fraility, my unanswered questions, my wounded spirit.

Each door of the cathedral weights 2,000 pounds. The statues are intricate and complex. The floors are glistening marble. The chandaliers hang high above your head and glisten over thegold and white tones of the room. As I studied all of this, as I became lost in it's majesty I thought to myself, "What if this is all for nothing? What if there is no God? What if all of this is just a attempt for humanity to be known? What if we have created our own Creator?" I do not know when these doubts were birthed. Maybe it just goes to show the doors to a church should never be that heavy. You begin to feel trapped. Your thoughts and your faith and mortal mind mix too much.

Underneath the gold ceiling of one of the greatest church's in the United Sates, I realized that God does not fit inside my head. I am drawn to Him as I might be drawn to dance, music, art.Yet, He does not fit inside my head. He is outside of everything I might comprehend, yet I am compelled to search for Him and to know Him.I feel as though I may die just trying to really grasp who He is. And even more so, I feel like that is ok.

Is God more in a cathedral than He is with the homeless woman standing outside it? No.(Perhaps more with the homeless woman.) Do I want to be Catholic? No, of course it's far too mechanical for me. Do I really know what I want? Absolutely not. In the midst of my overwhelming thoughts, did I walk out of that cathedral feeling like the God of the Universe somehow loved me? Why,..yes.